


The Fear of Knowing

by Silverstream16



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff, poor Wendy, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 04:41:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17974691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverstream16/pseuds/Silverstream16
Summary: She’s always known, just never accepted the fact that she knows it’s true, there was always a time for that and it had yet to appear in her life.





	The Fear of Knowing

Deep down she’s always known. It was always quite obviously at the forefront of her mind but she never relented, never gave into the idea. Just because she thought about it didn’t mean it was true. But of course it was true and she also knew that from the start. From playing house with the neighbor’s children and secretly wishing to be the wife of the elder sister than the to petulant younger brother. To moving to Canada, a much more accepting and understanding place, and watching couples walk around holding hands and feeling a slight clench in her heart. Then of course joining SM and being surrounded by beautiful women, keeping that pesky thought on her mind constantly. With that thought came the fear, the paranoia, the gnawing jaws of her own turbulent anxiety that never failed to keep her awake at night just wondering when the inevitable will happen. She’s always known, just never accepted the fact that she knows it’s true, there was always a time for that and it had yet to appear in her life.

It appeared nearly five years into their career as one of the nation’s most beloved girl groups. The whims and woes of stardom threw her brain into a new regime, completely leaving behind any time to dwell on her personal life. Her problems forgotten momentarily all throughout her busy career, but never truly gone. They’d appear when she needed to be strongest, and when her body and mind failed her most. The nights she’d spend awake knowing full well they had a schedule in just a few hours, but her mind holding her prisoner to the waking world. The practices where she was not strong enough to stop her eyes from gazing a little too long at Seulgi’s abs or Sooyoung’s backside. Multiple moments of her sparse time that she lets her truth deep through the cracks.

Of course none of those small moments compared to the strongest, most energy consuming feeling she’d never felt. It came in the form love, the heart clenching, harsh burning desire and passion for one person she knew that she could never have. It didn’t stop her heart from yearning, from crying out at night lonely and desolate, screaming to feel the beat of another against the very chest that contains it. It didn’t stop the heat from rising to her cheeks or the corners of her lips from turning up when the heart-consuming smile of her love was directed her way. The love, she knew, was dangerous and catastrophic. It would never blossom into anything more than the metaphorical vines wrapping around her lungs and the flower buds waiting an unwitting eternity to bloom. 

It came in the form of Bae Joohyun, perhaps the world’s prettiest face. And a pretty face she was, but oh god was she so much more. The world didn’t know Joohyun, they didn’t know Seungwan’s Joohyun. She was the sun that gave her the undying warmth spreading throughout her body, curling into the hollow and once empty corners and filling them with rejuvenated light. She was the stars filling every crevice of Seungwan’s mind until her body ached in agony and longing for the beauty she could never unsee. She was the tide that rose and fell in Seungwan’s heart, keeping the steady beat just for her as she pushed and pulled back and forth effortlessly. She was the universe, the place Seungwan desperately belonged, holding onto the hope that maybe just maybe this could be her home, inside of Joohyun’s heart. She knew from the minute she met her that she was doomed to fall. If Joohyun was the sky, Seungwan would impossibly fall into it like it was a trap. And it was a trap, and she did fall into it and still she had such little guilt or regret. But she held onto that fear, knowing her love could never come to fruition for she’d be risking her future. She knew the consequences of love, especially her love, and she knew what she was signing up for if she blows the whistle. It was a one way ticket into a careerless and empty future, not only for her but potentially for the other girls as well. She was not willing to risk their futures for her own selfish love, though she would to risk her own life fifty times over. Because her love mattered, her love was important, if not to anyone else then to her, if not to Joohyun then to her, her love was worth it.

~

“I’m scared.”

It wasn’t the first time she’s uttered those words, not even close. Being famous leads to many situations where those words slip easily out of her mouth. This time was different however; they slip past her lips timidly, not fully certain they were meant to be spoken at all. She bites at her fingernails, a habit she’s picked up over the last five years, her nails left often in a disgusting condition which she’s always berated about. A strong grip pulls her hand away from her mouth, stopping her anxiety from once again ruining her nails. She’s afraid to make eye contact, scared she’s made a mistake in showing up here. There’s no going back now though, as Taeyeon’s soft eyes study her, concern seeping off of the older woman in waves, enough to diffuse into Seungwan’s own pale and clammy skin. 

“What are you scared of?”

It was a genuine question, no malice or irritation hidden behind it despite the frantic girl waking her up at two in the morning begging to come over. She doesn’t even know how to answer the question, what wasn’t she scared of at this point? She knew what she needed to say, but she was unsure if her mind would let her break rank, break down all the walls she spent her life putting up. She shook, her hands shaking so harshly that Taeyeon had to wrap her own hands firmly around them just to quell the tremors. The older woman sat patiently waiting, allowing the distressed girl to collect her thoughts and maybe her courage as well. 

It was a good five minutes of shaky breathing and stuttering for Seungwan to gulp down her fear momentarily and throw herself out into the open, as if she was naked and exposed to the woman sitting next to her. 

“I’m scared. I- I’m scared of loving her.” 

There was an instant feeling of relief, as her lungs deflated and she felt those vines loosen slightly, finally being able to admit to someone the feelings she’s hid for a large portion of her life. Though after that momentary relief the dread sunk back in, anxiety and fear slithering up her spine, slowly nipping at the vertebrae. She put her head in her sweaty hands, finding her lungs void of air. She needed to leave, she needed to get out of their, she needed to breathe. Her hearing faded slightly and she clamped her eyes shut tightly. She could hear a muffled voice speaking to her but she couldn’t pull herself from the dread that’s taken hold of her mind. She couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t think and she couldn’t feel anything but dread. Why did she do this? Why did she come here? Why did she tell the truth for once in her fucking life? 

She’s not sure when she calmed down enough for Taeyeon’s terrified voice to break through her foggy and preoccupied mind. She’s breathing heavily, her cheeks wet and her nose runny and she feels warm hands rubbing her back. She moves her hands to look at Taeyeon, the older woman’s skin crinkled in worry, her eyes giving away the concern and her lips parted in uncertainty. Seungwan felt her lower lip tremble, her body once again giving up on her as the tears flowed freely down her cheeks. She let out a strangled sob as Taeyeon pulled her flush against her body, burying Seungwan’s head underneath her chin and rubbing her back soothingly. Seungwan gripped the woman’s soft sweater in her fists tightly, sobbing loud and harsh into the waiting ears of the large living room. She tried to speak but her voice broke and pained sounds were the only indication that her mind was attempting to convey a message. Her body heaved with the emotions of a lifetime of fear and worry and broken love flooding out in the form of sobs. 

“Breathe sweetie, just breathe it’s okay.”

Taeyeon’s reassuring words were slowly etching into her nerves, allowing her body to slowly calm down as she continued to cry into the older woman’s chest, soaking through her loose shirt. She let out a few trembling breaths as she collected her thoughts, trying to just form one coherent sentence. 

“Unnie I’m so scared.”

It’s essentially the one thing she’s said since she’d even arrived at Taeyeon’s house, but she couldn’t say anything else. 

“I know honey, I know you’re scared but it’s okay. You have nothing to be scared of Seungwan. You don’t have to be afraid of love I promise.”

Taeyeon’s words rolled around in her head for a moment, she weighed the truth of the words with the years of paranoia she’s built up and she’s not so sure that some fresh words will reassure her. Taeyeon seemed to sense her hesitation and she continued to speak.

“You’re not alone Seungwan. There are many people like you out there in the world, even in our world. Within my own group even, they’re everywhere. You’re not broken, you don’t need to be fixed. You feel a natural human emotion, it doesn’t matter who it’s for. You’re a human Seungwan-ah, there’s nothing despicable about that.” 

Her heart relaxed a bit, even if she wasn’t fully convinced. She had support from Taeyeon, she knew the woman was in her corner and that she would never judge her. She closed her tired eyes slightly to let the words sink in. Wait- within her own group? 

“Yes, within my own group. Tell no one okay?”

She must’ve spoken out loud again, she smiled slightly remembering how it annoys Sooyoung and Yerim but makes Joohyun giggle intoxicatingly. She nods her head silently in a confirmation to keep the incoming secret to herself.

“Hyoyeon told us on accident one day that she had been with a woman before. We all watched as she slowly started to freak out and I can still hear her panicked voice, ‘oh god I ruined my career.’ We spent thirty minutes telling her it’s okay and that she didn’t ruin anything before she would calm down enough to actually listen to us. You’re not the only one who’s struggled Seungwan, take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone and you always have people here for you. We will always be here for you, and I know if you decide to tell your girls, they will be even more by your side.” 

The constant reassuring calmed her nerves to a satisfactory point to where she was relaxed into Taeyeon’s side, her eyes heavy with years of restless sleep. She hiccuped slightly, her lungs tired from crying.

“Thank you Unnie, for everything. And I’m sorry about your shirt.”

Taeyeon just hummed slightly and chuckled when Seungwan moved her head and she looked at the wet patch on her shirt. She rubbed the girl’s arm and looked at her face to wipe her tears away.

“It’s okay Seungwan-ah, I can wash out the tears. And you’re always welcome here okay? Now it’s very late and I don’t want you going home this late so let’s get some rest and I’ll take you to your dorm later.”

Seungwan nodded her head and made no attempt to move off of the couch, expecting to sleep on the cramped space. Taeyeon continued to look at her with an unreadable expression until Seungwan looked back up at her.

“What are you waiting for, let’s go to bed.”

Seungwan flushed, realizing Taeyeon wanted her to sleep in her bed with her. She felt nervous again, unsure if it would be uncomfortable for Taeyeon and she's just trying to be nice. She looked down and picked at the loose strings in her cardigan.

“Are you sure?”

Taeyeon’s footsteps approached her and grabbed her arms to lift her up and bring her chin up to look in her eyes. She smiled at her, a genuine smile.

“Seungwan, I’m sure.”

Seungwan just nodded slightly and allowed Taeyeon to take her to the bedroom. Spare pajamas of a slightly larger size than Taeyeon needed, being shorter than her and all, were placed in Seungwan’s hands and she was ushered into the bathroom to change. As she slowly stripped away the layers she was wearing she felt as though she was stripping away at the parts of her she spent years creating. It was enough to make her shake, tears once again falling from her eyes as she knows there’s no going back. Her life's worth of fears are now out in the open, written all up and down her arms as if that’s where her heart rests. The thought makes her queasy, standing in just her underwear in the cold bathroom, and she falls to her knees near the toilet. She lets out a sob as her insides lurch upward and her sparse dinner comes retching back up her throat and out into the bowl. She’s freezing and sobbing as she continues to vomit up seemingly all of her insides quite noisily. Suddenly there are warm hands on her back, rubbing her shaking frame up and down and pulling her straggled hair away from her sweaty and tear stained face. 

“Breathe Seungwan, come on honey, calm down you’re okay.”

Taeyeon’s soft voice made her insides rest again, returning to a seemingly dormant form for a few seconds before sprouting back to life and throwing themselves far up into her throat in the form of acidic bile. She’s retching once more, her body shivering in harsh cold sweats as the woman behind her continues to soothe her. When she feels her body give into exhaustion, and she’s sure she won’t throw up anymore she slumps back and Taeyeon catches her. She pulls Seungwan’s sweaty body into her lap and gently wipes the bangs that are sticking to her forehead away. Seungwan curls into the warm woman’s body, searching for any source of warmth to heat her own nearly naked form. She’s let’s her eyes shut heavily as she feels Taeyeon rock her back and forth to ease her.

“I’ve got you Seungwan, you’re okay.” 

She feels safer than she ever has before, right here in Taeyeon’s soothing arms. She falls asleep in her lap in the freezing cold bathroom, her mind sucking her out of the waking world into a much needed rest. All of her decisions still sitting heavily on her chest, knowing this is only just the beginning for her.

~

Seungwan wakes up to warm sunlight beating on her eyelids. The warmth of the sun on her face feels rejuvenating, bringing her out of the dead of sleep. She opens her eyes slightly, allowing the light to fluid into her eyes and shrink her pupils down as she adjusts to the room she’s in. It’s not her room, that’s what she notices first. She didn’t really have to open her eyes to know that since her room never gets this much sunlight and she knows Seulgi would be snoring still as she never wakes up early. Also the bed is entirely too comfortable to be her own bed; you’d think after five years of hard work the company might invest in nicer beds for them. She blinks slightly, taking in the pristine and orderly room around her and notices the empty space next to her. 

Taeyeon.

She’s at Taeyeon’s house. The previous night’s events flood back to her brain now, and she feels sick. She can taste the bile that’s still resting in her throat and burning her tongue. Her body feels like she’d been hit by a truck and her eyes are puffy and sore. She didn’t have to look in a mirror to know she looked like a mess. Seungwan threw the covers off of herself and shivered instantly as the chilly air in the room hit her nearly naked skin. She scanned the room, finding her clothes folded neatly atop the chair in the corner. She smiled slightly, Taeyeon was always so punctual and her love for laundry. 

Just like Joohyun.

The smile on her face faded and she pulled herself from the bed to put her clothes back on and exit the room in search of Taeyeon. She found her in the kitchen working silently on her computer and sipping from a mug. Seungwan felt her stomach lurch seeing the woman in a loose shirt with a messy bun and her perfectly round glasses. She looked so beautiful and it made Seungwan sick to think about her like that. She emerged from the other room into Taeyeon’s line of sight and it took less than five seconds before the woman turned to greet her with a smile.

“Good morning Seungwan. I hope you slept well. Are you feeling any better?”

Seungwan was tempted to say no but she bit back the truth once more and nodded curtly, forcing a small smile Taeyeon’s way. The woman shut her laptop and took her mug to the sink before turning back to Seungwan. She was standing firmly in one spot, picking at the strings of her cardigan again.

“I’ll go get dressed and we can get breakfast before I take you back to the dorm okay?”

She didn’t look up as she nodded, and she kept her eyes trained on the ground as she listened to Taeyeon retreat back to her room. She fidgeted for a few moments before taking a seat at the table, waiting for the woman to return. She did within a few minutes and Seungwan shot up almost instantly, jumpy and paranoid as always. Taeyeon mistook it for her undying hunger and laughed slightly, making her way to the door.

“Ready?”

Seungwan nodded once and gulped down her nerves as Taeyeon led her outside of the house. She knows that with each passing moment she is stepping closer and closer to facing the girls once more. She bites her tongue and prays that her nerves quell because she’s not so sure she can do this. Taeyeon’s small hand in hers is a silent reminder that even if she can’t, she always has someone there to help.

~

“Are you sure you’re ready?”

No, she wasn’t sure, not even slightly sure. She knew she’d get yelled at the minute she set foot into the dorm. Joohyun would be pacing and ranting about how she can’t just leave without a word. Seulgi would be on the couch rubbing her temples telling Joohyun to calm down. Sooyoung and Yerim would probably be recording because they find it funny to see Joohyun so stressed out. Seungwan bit her tongue thinking about them. What would she say? Would she tell them? Would they still love her? She was pulled out of her thoughts by Taeyeon grabbing her shaking hands again. 

“It’s okay Seungwan-ah, whenever you’re ready you will tell them, and they will accept you.”

Seungwan nodded, not very convinced but glad to hear someone combat her inner fears. She gripped the handle to the car door and pushed it open but remained still. She shut her eyes tight and sucked in a breath, forcing her limbs to move despite everything inside of her screaming not to. She emerges from the comfort of the car out into the hot sunny atmosphere and she turns to Taeyeon who looks at her with so much courage and care in her eyes.

“Thank you Unnie, for everything.”

Taeyeon gave her another soft and genuine smile and waved her hand as if to say don’t mention it. Seungwan went to shut the door and face the dorm once more but was stopped by Taeyeon’s voice.

“Oh and Seungwan?”

She turned to her, the anxiety of the day’s upcoming events making her gnaw on her own lip. 

“I think you should tell her, whoever she is, tell her how you feel. If you love someone you let them know, you might regret it if you don’t.”

She could’ve sworn she saw a flash of guilt in Taeyeon’s eyes, but just as soon as she saw it it was gone. She let Taeyeon’s words dance around her head, unsure if she’d ever find the confidence to tell Joohyun the truth. She barely has the confidence to tell them that she likes women, how could she have enough in her to tell the woman she loves that it’s her? She just nodded curtly, wanting to get this impending situation with over as soon as possible.

“Let me know how it goes okay? If you need me to come get you I will, just text or call me. You can do it Seungwan, you’re so strong.”

Seungwan smiled and lowered her gaze slightly and uttered a soft thank you before Taeyeon offered a quick ‘fighting!’ and Seungwan shut the door and stepped back, allowing her to drive away. 

Now her challenge was entering the dorm, even when her muscles begged her to stay in place, to go back and never face the girls again. She took small timid steps towards the dorm, each one causing the lump in her throat to grow larger and larger until she felt like she was choking. As she stood in front of the door, her hand shaking as she clutched the doorknob. She half expected the door to fly open, and one of the girls to pull her in quickly and start yelling at her about her whereabouts and how worried they were. Imagine her surprise when she finally choked up the courage to open the door and find no one waiting on the other side, and all of the girls lounging around the living room. It was Sooyoung who spotted her first, turning her attention away from her phone to greet the older girl with a smile.

“Hello unnie, how was your stay with Taeyeon unnie?”

Sooyoung’s question grabbed the attention of the other girls and one by one they looked up to smile at Seungwan.

“H-how did you know I was with Taeyeon unnie?”

Joohyun, who was currently engrossed in another book about female empowerment, doesn’t look up at her as she answers.

“Unnie assumed I’d be freaking out if you were suddenly missing, and she assumed right. So rather she let me know that you were with her last night.”

Seungwan blushed a little sheepishly, after realizing just how scary it would’ve been for her to be completely missing by the time the sun had risen with no word of where she was going. Glad that Taeyeon once again saved her from disaster, she plopped down on the couch next to Seulgi who instinctively snuggled into her side after years of constant affection. Seungwan would be lying if she said that her heart still didn’t skip a beat whenever Seulgi cuddled into her side and nuzzle her head in the crook of Seungwan’s neck. She tried to cover the slight blush on her face as she pulled out her own phone to thank Taeyeon for saving her. 

“So what were you doing with Taeyeon unnie?”

Yerim’s mischievous question brought Seungwan’s attention right back to the problem at hand and she felt the nervousness rise inside of her like a tide. She felt her heart instinctively clench as she tried to find an excuse fast enough to convince the ever skeptical Yerim and Sooyoung. Unfortunately for her, she’s never been a successful liar and she was too slow as she watched the mischievous smile spread on Yerim’s round face. 

“Are you and Unnie… you know?”

The room instantly turned icy as Joohyun snapped her book shut and stared up at Yerim with a jolt. Seungwan brought herself out of a panicked stupor long enough to turn and analyze Joohyun’s face. The dangerous look in her eyes was enough to make Seungwan’s spine shudder. 

“Don’t make jokes like that Yerim.”

The room was silent for a few seconds, and Seungwan prayed that Seulgi couldn’t feel how rigid she was. Sooyoung put a hand on Yerim’s knee silently, the first to notice her bristling with anger.

“Why? What’s so wrong with it?”

Dropping any sort of honorific speech was hardly in Yerim’s dialect when she was talking to Joohyun, and hearing her bite back in a malicious way was enough to make even Sooyoung flinch. The tension rising in the room almost like suffocating humidity and Seungwan found it hard to breathe. 

“Just don’t make jokes like that.”

Yerim seemed ready to pounce up but Sooyoung kept her seated and whispered into her ear until Yerim huffed out and the two got up and retreated to their bedroom. Seungwan and Seulgi both kept silent as Joohyun breathed evenly and picked her book back up as if nothing had happened. Other than the slight crinkle in her forehead, which Seungwan had grown to adore, there was no sign that anything had even changed demeanor. Eventually Seulgi dared to move and she excused herself to her and Seungwan’s shared room to take a nap, unsurprisingly. Her and Joohyun sat in silence, and Seungwan felt every single process in her body, down to cell replication, speed up. Being around Joohyun these days was incredibly challenging, and every single second she spent around her made her body heat up more and she absolutely despised it. She couldn’t even be around Joohyun alone for more than five seconds before her body gave into her temptations that she spent years believing to be unnatural. It made her shiver slightly, shaking with shame and fear as a natural reaction to what her mind wants. She starts to pick her nails quite loudly until Joohyun looks up and snaps her out of her thoughts.

“Seungwan, are you alright?”

Of course she was being incredibly soft with her, her face slightly etched in worry and the crinkle in her forehead gone. She was always so soft with Seungwan and it didn’t make anything easier for her. She nodded her head and lowered her face to hide her blushing cheeks, hoping that Joohyun would return to reading her book. But of course the older woman didn’t and she put her book down with a thump and picked herself up out of the chair and sat down next to Seungwan. She kept a fair distance but she was closer than before and Seungwan felt her heart race even faster. 

“You’ve been acting strange lately, especially around me. Did I do something wrong?”

She could hear the shakiness and worry in her leader’s voice and it she wanted to slap herself. Now Joohyun thinks she did something wrong when all along it was Seungwan who did something wrong, she fell in love. She braved the journey and brought her head up to look into Joohyun’s eyes, and all of the color drained from her face. She rarely saw Joohyun cry, and now she was watching tears threaten to spill all over her beautiful face. She bit her lip harshly and looked up to prevent any tears from trying to slip out of her own eyes. 

“No unnie, you didn’t do anything. It’s me, I did something.”

She snapped her mouth shut, she wasn’t supposed to say anything and yet her heart kept telling her to do it. Joohyun looked at her with a confused expression, her eyebrows crinkling in a stupidly adorable way that made Seungwan’s heart jump into her throat, trying to force itself out of her and into the open world to show Joohyun how much it beats for her. Joohyun was about to open her mouth to question her but to her luck Yerim and Sooyoung came storming out of their room again, wrapped in coats, and masks around their chins.

“Seungwan unnie do you want to come get ice cream with us?”

Yerim’s excitement bounced around the room and from the small smirk on Sooyoung’s face, Seungwan deduced that she had successfully bribed Yerim into happiness. Seungwan noticed how she pointedly refused to acknowledge Joohyun and didn’t even look at her. She saw this as the perfect opportunity to get out of telling Joohyun the truth and she happily obliged. She hopped up, avoiding Joohyun’s hurt look and rushed to grab her jacket from the bedroom and rejoined Yerim and Sooyoung by the front door, Joohyun had disappeared and she didn’t bother to question it. She follows the two girls out of the dorm and they make their way down the street, the youngest girls talking animatedly as Seungwan trails behind them quietly. Her face is cold and she’s not exactly sure why Yerim was so excited about eating ice cream in this weather. Eventually her mind trailed back to Joohyun and her almost confession; she felt defeated knowing that Joohyun would never accept her or her love. She didn’t even hear the girls in front of her go silent and turn their attention to her. She also didn’t even feel the tears streaking down her cheeks until it dripped down her chin and soaked into her face mask. She went to swipe them off quickly but her hand didn’t make it far when Sooyoung caught it and forced her to look up.

“Unnie?”

She didn’t want them to see her like this, she didn’t want anyone to see her like this. Sooyoung’s hand was cold and tight around her wrist but it made her feel warmer on the inside and she couldn’t stand it. From her confession to Taeyeon and her almost confession to Joohyun she was exhausted and emotionally drained, she knew that Joohyun would eventually bring it up again and she didn’t think she was ready. She had to be stronger, she had to be better for them and just push her feelings away before she brings them down. She carefully removed Sooyoung’s hand from around her wrist and swiped her red eyes quickly before sniffling lightly and ushering the girls along. She noticed them share a look but they continued on, this time trailing behind her. 

They briskly made their way to the ice cream parlor to escape the cold outside and instead enter the cold inside. She wasn’t hungry, the breakfast that she had with Taeyeon still rolling around in her stomach, jostling her insides and making her feel queasy. Yerim and Sooyoung ordered their ice creams and pouted when Seungwan politely declined. They ate in silence, Seungwan staring out the window deep in thought, picking at her cardigan again, a new habit she’ll eventually have to get rid of. 

“Unnie, are you sure you don’t want any ice cream?”

Yerim’s voice was suspiciously careful and soft and she felt as though the girls were pitying her. It left a bitter taste in her mouth and she couldn’t hide the crinkle of her nose as she shook her head curtly and turned back to the window. She bit her lip, watching a couple walk across the street. The girl curling into her boyfriend so easily, a smile stretched far across her face as he laces their fingers together and looks down at her with so much adoration in his eyes. She closed her eyes picturing herself curled into Joohyun, their hands clammy and pressed together tightly in the cold weather, Joohyun’s beautiful toothy smile full of love just for her. The tears slip out before she can even stop them, and she’s not sure she’ll ever be able to truly stop them. They’re for Joohyun, they’ve always been for Joohyun and just like her love, she cannot stop them. Yerim’s small hand comes up to swipe them away quickly before anyone else sees them and she grabs Seungwan’s hand wordlessly and continues to eat her ice cream. They sit there for a while, long after the couple had walked off out of sight, long after the ice cream had been finished, long after Seungwan’s eyes had run dry. As they got up to leave Yerim pulled her in for a tight hug, Seungwan immediately burying her head into her neck. Sooyoung’s hand rested on her lower back reassuringly as Yerim mulled over what to say.

“We know you’re not okay Unnie, and it’s okay that you’re not. We’re still here for you.”

She would have cried again had her eyes not she not been drained of all of her tears already. Her body shook slightly, as if she was sobbing without any tears and she felt Sooyoung’s hand move in slow motions to show her silent support. She eventually pulled away from Yerim who smiled at her softly and kissed her cheek lightly before they all turned out of the parlor to go home. Sooyoung and Yerim continued their prior conversation as Seungwan walked silently behind them trying to ignore the tingling on her cheek where Yerim’s lips had been. 

~

She couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t very shocking honestly, she was hardly able to sleep nowadays. Her mind was like a puzzle, each piece constantly moving on its own as it tries to fit into the picture in places it doesn’t belong. At the forefront of her mind was Joohyun, as per usual, and she couldn’t stop thinking about her since they arrived home from the ice cream parlor. The eldest woman wouldn’t even look at her after basically opening herself up to vulnerability just beforehand. Seungwan didn’t know what was worse, Joohyun giving her attention or Joohyun avoiding her. She could never win, her heart would never let her win when it comes to Joohyun, and it was ruining their relationship. 

“Seungwan?”

She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t frightened by Seulgi’s voice. She had assumed the older girl was fast asleep, since she could essentially sleep through the world ending. She sat up slowly, turning to see Seulgi lying flat on her back, the moonlight streaming through the window bright enough for Seungwan to see her eyes were trained on the ceiling. 

“What Yerim said earlier, about you and Taeyeon unnie..”

She trails off slightly and Seungwan can already feel the headache starting to pound behind her eyelids.

“Are you?”

She doesn’t had to ask anything else because Seungwan understands what she’s trying to say, and she brings her hands up to rub her tired temples.

“No, we’re not. We need to go to sleep, we have practice early tomorrow and I know you’ll be tired if you don’t get at least four hours of rest.”

Seulgi didn’t say anything else and Seungwan took that as the end of the conversation and rolled over to face the wall. She was annoyed that Seulgi had asked her that again, but she was more annoyed with herself. Was it really that obvious? How else could Seulgi possibly know she liked girls? Her headache was really bothering her now and she clamped her eyes shut tight and gripped her pillow harshly between her fingers.   
“Seungwan?”

She didn’t have the energy to even offer a solid acknowledgement to her name being called and just hummed softly, hoping it was enough.

“If.. if you and Taeyeon unnie were.. you know..”

She wanted it to be over already, why couldn’t Seulgi just shut up about her and Taeyeon, nothing was going on between them. Nothing they needed to know about anyways.

“It wouldn’t be a problem.”

That was not what she had expected Seulgi to say. She had expected more of a break it off or maybe a be more careful about your attractions. Her grip on her pillows loosened slightly and she stared at the wall silently. Maybe it would be okay if they knew about her, maybe they would accept her. She felt Seulgi staring at her from across the room, probably expecting a response. Maybe she expected a vehement protest that they weren’t together or maybe even a thank you, but she wouldn’t get anything other than silence. She sighed and Seungwan felt the gaze break as she tossed around in her own bed. Her head was still spinning and perhaps she wouldn’t sleep at all that night, but maybe things would be okay, maybe she didn’t have to be scared anymore. 

~

 

To: Taeyeon Unnie

I’m going to tell them today. 

From: Taeyeon Unnie

I’m proud of you Seungwannie :DD 

But remember, you don’t have to do anything   
until you’re absolutely ready

To: Taeyeon Unnie

I know, but it’s now or never…  
I don’t think I can keep it in anymore

From: Taeyeon Unnie

Okay!! You can do it babe.

Let me know how it goes okay?

Fighting!

 

Her heart was beating harshly against her ribcage as they all sat around the tv watching a movie. Tensions had been running high for the last few weeks, and Joohyun had been avoiding Seungwan for a while now. Everyday that went on only got harder for her, and she felt closer and closer to breaking down. Now sitting her with them all around her, laughing at the movie and so content with their lives she envies them. She needs that, she needs to not feel this way constantly and she’s nearly bursting at the seams. She places her phone down, Taeyeon’s words of encouragement buzzing around her and giving her strength. She surveyed all of the girls faces, trying to build her confession in her head as best she could. Yerim was curled into Sooyoung’s side on the loveseat, both of them with smiles on their faces as they stared at the tv screen. Seulgi had her head in Joohyun’s lap as she stretched out on the couch, the older girl carding her fingers through Seulgi’s dark brown hair softly. Seungwan was alone in the chair between the love seat and the couch, and she’d be lying if she wasn’t jealous of Seulgi right now. She pressed her tongue against the roof of her mouth and shut her eyes, allowing the thought of Taeyeon’s support to attempt to quell her queasiness and her thudding heartbeat. She grew frustrated though, every time she attempted to speak she held herself back. She chewed on her tongue for a few more seconds, curling her fingernails into her palms and digging as hard as she could until she splits at the seams and everything starts to flood out.

“I’m gay.”

Nice one Seungwan. That is nowhere near what she wanted to start with. Now that she said it she instantly felt regretful, her natural instinct has always been to hide it and now that she can’t she feels instant panic, similar to when she told Taeyeon. She hears the movie pause and the room is silent and she didn’t realize her eyes were clamped shut. She didn’t dare trying to open them but she felt all of the girl’s staring at her.

“What?”

It was Sooyoung who spoke first, her voice soft and unassuming as she attempted to make Seungwan repeat herself just to make sure she heard correctly. Seungwan wasn’t really sure she could even say anything else, she didn’t trust herself enough. 

“I’m.. I’m gay.”

The room was quiet again, and Seungwan started to pick at her nails again, afraid of the impending responses. She heard shuffling and begged herself to open her eyes. No one spoke even after the shuffling had stopped and the room remained still once more and finally her eyes snapped open. She surveyed the room quickly. Sooyoung and Yerim were looking at her curiously, and other than that Seungwan saw nothing negative behind her eyes. She turned and deduced that the shuffling was Seulgi pulling herself up off of Joohyun’s lap and closer towards the end of the couch near Seungwan. She looked at her encouragingly, a small smile on her lips. Seungwan felt herself visibly relax from the warmth in Seulgi’s eyes and she willed herself to look past her to Joohyun. The older woman looked at her with a blank expression, unreadable but not cold, yet it made Seungwan draw her gaze away immediately and back to her lap.

“Okay, that’s okay Seungwan.”

She didn’t look up as Seulgi pulled her hands apart to prevent her from completely snapping her nails off. She felt Seulgi’s warm hand slide in between her own sweaty palm, squeezing lightly to emphasize that it’s okay. She let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding as the weight of all the fear and paranoia dissolved into nothingness. It rippled off of her in broken whimpers of pure relief and she didn’t attempt to stop them. She brought her free hand up to her face to cover it as the tears began streaming down her cheeks. She felt Seulgi’s grip tighten on her hand as she was pulled up from the chair and pulled flush against the slightly older girl’s body. 

“It’s okay Seungwan, you’re okay. I’m proud of you.”

She curled her head into Seulgi’s neck and sobs openly as the girl holds her close and with so much love and she’s never felt so relieved in her life. Soon enough she feels a small body wrap around her back and press against her. Yerim’s voice was soft and thick with tears of her own and her breath tickled Seungwan’s ear.

“I love you unnie.”

She didn’t have to say anything else and Seungwan detached herself from Seulgi’s hold and spun around to engulf Yerim in a hug. The younger girl rubbed her back and kissed her cheek again, in signature Yerim fashion. She allowed Seungwan to cling for a few seconds before pulling away and being replaced by the much taller body of Sooyoung. She pulled Seungwan into her and hugged her tight before pulling back and cupping her cheeks and squishing them, her face wrinkling with laughter but Seungwan could see the her eyes glistening. 

“I’m so proud of you unnie, thank you for telling us.”

When Sooyoung pulled away after wiping some of her trailing tears away she noticed Joohyun had not moved. The girls went silent as they focused their eyes on their leader. She was still staring with an unreadable expression, and Seungwan felt slightly dreadful as some of that paranoia clung to her body tightly, fighting to fill her with fear again. Sooyoung grabbed her hand in support, feeling the girl shaking slightly.

“Thank you for telling us Seungwan.”

Seungwan felt her heart drop as Joohyun trained her gaze on something else and refused to look up at her. Seungwan was staring, and the girls all remained silent, letting Joohyun’s strained words fill the room. Seungwan felt herself falling again, the relief starting to fade realizing that not everyone was okay with it. Of course she wasn’t, she should’ve known she wouldn’t be. It didn’t stop her heart though, she still continued to fall in love with her in that moment even as her heart attempted to not break in half painfully. She forced herself to look away and back to the girls who did love her, who gave her hope that it won’t always be like this. They all hug her together in support and despite hearing her heart cry she can’t help but feel okay.   
They go back to watching the movie, Seulgi snuggling into Seungwan’s side on the end of the couch. They finish it easily without another distraction, but Seungwan hadn’t paid any attention to it because she could practically feel Joohyun thinking from the other end of the couch, and it was unsettling. As soon as the move was over Sooyoung excused herself to the bathroom and Yerim disappeared to her bedroom. Seulgi noticed Seungwan staring in Joohyun’s direction and squeezed her thigh in support before wandering off to take her third nap of the day. The room felt tense, and Seungwan was scared of speaking. She stared at Joohyun silently, not caring about seeming creepy or rude, she needed to know what Joohyun really felt about her revelation.

“Unnie I.. I’m sorry.”

She cursed herself for her emotions betraying her and being unable to hold back the fresh wave of tears that started to spill from her eyes. It worked though, and for the first time since she had spoken her truth aloud, Joohyun had looked at her. She seemed alarmed and confused by Seungwan in that moment. 

“For what?”

Seungwan couldn’t stop her lip from wobbling as she forced the shame out of her and into the open.

“Disappointing you.”

She broke her gaze and allowed her lips to wobble as she broke down into her hands. Her shoulders shaking heavily as she sobbed out all of her shame that gripped so heavily to her and made her feel so utterly disgusting. She felt a soft movement on the couch that approached her slowly. Soft hands pried her own away from her face as she continued to sob out openly and through her blurry eyes she focused on anything but Joohyun, who had lifted her chin to look at her.

“Seungwan, look at me.” 

She didn’t want to, but Joohyun’s voice was strong and stern and she was scared of disappointing her even more. She looked up, through her blurry and tear filled eyes, and tried to make out Joohyun’s facial expression. Joohyun’s soft hands make their way to her cheeks and her thumbs swipe away the tears that continue to fall, and Seungwan sighs and clamps her eyes shut, forcing the remaining tears to fall from her eyes. When she opens them again she sees Joohyun staring at her with the softest expression, her eyes filled to the brim with care for the other girl.

“Seungwan you did not disappoint me. I love you the way you are okay? It doesn’t change a thing okay?”

She lets out another breath she had been holding, her lungs deflating and allowing her to relax once more and her face relaxes under Joohyun’s soft touch.

“Okay Unnie, thank you.”

Joohyun smiled at her, a genuine smile that was only reserved for her and it made her insides twist. Joohyun accepts her and Joohyun loves her, just not how she wants. It breaks her heart realizing this, but she’s still smiling because losing Joohyun is worse than never getting to love her the way she needed to. Joohyun removed her hands in favor of pulling the girl into a hug.

“I’m sorry if you ever felt that you couldn’t tell us, and I’m sorry if I made you think I was disappointed in you.”

Seungwan just nodded her head in acceptance, knowing that Joohyun would understand. After a while she pulled away first, surprising herself. Joohyun looked at her softly again, smiling and gripping her hand. Seungwan smiled too, blushing slightly. Suddenly Joohyun’s face faltered a little bit, and she hesitated slightly before speaking up. 

“So, is there something going on between you and Unnie?”

Seungwan tried not to roll her eyes slightly, so tired of hearing the constant question. But eventually she just laughed slightly and shook her head.

“No Unnie, there’s nothing going on. That night I went to her because of this. Because I needed to tell someone and I was scared of telling you guys. She was so sweet to me, and she was part of the reason I even had the courage to tell you today.”

Joohyun seemed almost relieved by this revelation, but Seungwan was sure she was seeing things, her heart getting in the way of logical reasoning. 

“Good I’m glad she encouraged you.”

Seungwan just smiles, sensing the end of the conversation approaching. Joohyun stares at her, her expression difficult for Seungwan to read. She just waits patiently for Joohyun to make any movements or say anything. She parts her mouth slightly and flits her gaze down Seungwan’s face.

“Can I do something?”

Seungwan has never heard her speak that unsure. She was Joohyun and she always knew what she was doing and saying and yet she sounded so conflicted in that moment. Regardless, Seungwan just nodded her head and felt her heart leap as Joohyun reaches her hands up to cup her cheeks, her gaze most definitely trained on Seungwan’s lips. Seungwan’s breath hitches as the feeling she’s been longing for finally arrives and Joohyun’s soft lips are pressed against her own. She melted instantly, no amount of dreaming about this could ever compare to how it really feels. She swears she’s going to burst from sheer happiness as the vines around her lungs recede and her heart repairs itself. When Joohyun pulls away she stares at her with so much love and adoration, and Seungwan wonders if this was how the couple she had envied feels every time they kiss. Joohyun’s face suddenly turns horrified and Seungwan’s heart gets ready to break again but Joohyun just reaches up and wipes under her eyes again.

 

“Why are you crying?”

She hadn’t even realized she was crying to be honest, she was so overjoyed her body felt almost completely numb from happiness. She chuckled out a wet laugh and let more tears fall as she pushes herself into Joohyun’s chest, the older girl kissing her head.

“I’ve wanted this for so long, no dreaming has ever compared to how it feels Joohyun.”

She hears Joohyun’s heart race against her chest and suddenly realizes that she wasn’t the only one waiting for this. Joohyun had felt the same way this entire time. It wasn’t homophobia that was behind her comment about Yerim’s jokes, it was jealousy. She earnestly thought that her and Taeyeon were together.

“I know Seungwan, I feel it too.”

She lifted her face to look at Joohyun again, this time wiping the tears from her eyes and placing her lips on Joohyun’s delicately. She had everything she needed now, she wasn’t afraid anymore. 

[END]

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to have an alternate ending but idk if i want write it oops lol


End file.
